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34 candles and the return of the grateful list
2:05 p.m. @ 2008-06-22
Thirty-four years ago to this very day, in a military hospital in camp lejeune, north carolina, one bodacious browngirl burst forth into the world. as my own mama put it yesterday, "no one could believe someone as petite as me, gave birth...natural birth...to a baby like you..." lovely. warm. fuzzy. apparently, even then, i was a bit of a phenomenon. no, i get it. i do. my mother is, in fact, petite. very petite. she is 4'10". she has barely weighed 100 pounds her whole life and she is going to be 70. i have this picture in my hallway from when she was a teenager. she is stunning. she is wearing a beautiful white gown, white flowers in her hair...with the most delicate smile. her waist is so ridiculously small...like dita von teese...like s&m corset...like are you sure you have all your ribs...that small. even yesterday when my parents came up from my hometown to bring me a card and gift, she looked up at the picture and proudly retold the same story about how no one could believe how tiny her waist was and how my other sisters are also very petite and along comes browngirl...in all her zaftig zeal...and blows the whole equation of how pretty, dainty things beget other pretty, dainty things... i love bucking the system. it's ok. because what i am realizing...in all my 34 years...is my mom has her own damn issues that simply aren't about me. what i have (besides a lifetime supply of my own damn issues) is simply a whole heckuvalot. a lot of good...even great things...a lot of peace...and laughter...and love...and yah, for flavor, plenty of spice...which, if swallowed all by itself...would be bitter...sour even...but when you mix it all up and let it simmer...for say, 34 years, it comes out pretty tasty...if i don't say so myself. i am happy with it all...i like the idea of getting better and better...aging and fermenting in the juices of my life...there are things i would change if i could...but who knows what else that would alter...things that i would never ever want to change...not even in a million-bazillion-thirty-four years. nope. i'm good. great even. grateful list:
1. my hubbylove for so much more than i could possibly ever say, but will always try
2. my zoelove for being my dream come true and so much more than i would ever have dared to dream
3. my shmelly for still wearing the same clothes on the same day as me...and for being my ssm...always
4. getting my hair cut and feeling like a carpet was just removed from the back of my neck and shoulders
5. hubby's amazing birthday card about how he loves me for being a dreamer
6. my big ol' body which is well-fed, well-worn, and fully capable of enduring so much more than anyone could have guessed and hugging completely and just so happens to be a great place for zoe to rest
7. my struggles because they make me who i am...and today, that feels pretty darn ok
8. hope...that just keeps flowing out of me...no matter what...even when my faith is weak...and it is sometimes...but i still smile when i think of what zoe will think when she sees a picture of me on her wall one day a long time from now...see what i mean about hope?
9. sitting with my writing circle yesterday who didn't even know my birthday was today...but i didn't care...because they were gift enough for anyone...and made laugh so hard it hurt
10. coldstone creamery's birthday cake remix...cause, oh yah, i'll be partaking later...yummy...
so i will continue to be a work-in-progress...progressively working toward what? I am not sure...but i am also, and more significantly, realizing that being sure of "what" you work towards isn't nearly as important as "who" is working alongside you through it all...and if that is the measure of my success...well, then i am definitely doing alright.
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